*Beep… beep… beep…*

My body feels so heavy, and yet, lighter than usual?

*Beep… beep… beep…*

With great effort I force my eyes open, gaze settling on Cinnabar, standing nearby in a doctor’s coat beside the hospital bed that I lie on. It’s reassuring to know that he’s here, but I want to know how the procedure went, jaw barely moving as I try to mumble out confused words. He places a gentle hand on my shoulder, stopping my feeble attempts to sit up. I can feel his words enter my ears, but they’re the wrong shape for my thoughts and the effort quickly drains my energy. A dull ache starts to infuse my torso and I slip down into a deep dreamless sleep, unable to stay awake any longer.

The otter’s bed rest goes interrupted as its body begins to recover from the surgery, carefully watched over by Cinnabar himself as the fall sunset fills half the room with its honeyed light. Lotus had chosen to delay its procedure till the end of the swimming season, not only to give itself time to decide, but also so that it wouldn’t miss a single summer day in the ocean, given the couple months it would take before the otter would be able to safely swim again. Seeing his patient start to lightly snore, Cinnabar sits back in a chair by the door, flicking the light switch and closing his eyes to take a nap while he still can. He would need to give Lotus all the details on post-op care in the morning.

On the first day home I was practically falling over myself as I put too much energy into each action, but I quickly learned to use more restraint and go slower. Each motion needed to be re-learned as I got used to this slimmer form, and for the first week I would practically spring into an L shape as my alarm sounded, torso whipping into an upright position with barely any resistance. My body now responded near instantly to each thought instead of needing to fight a constant battle against inertia. Somehow this all felt Right, as if my body had always been meant to be like this, and life before that autumn day was entirely surreal. Yes, that was the right way to describe it, the dreamlike struggle to simply *move* was finally gone and I couldn’t be more relieved to have woken up.

I’ll admit, every time I changed the bandages, I always held my breath with anticipation just before letting that last wrap fall away. A part of me expected my chest and groin to spring back into place as if they had simply been bound tightly, but those fears never came to pass. Each day I had to take a second to marvel before undoing the wrappings on my lower half as well, turning back and forth in front of the mirror for as long as I dared before proceeding to clean and re-bandage myself. Every time a pawpad grazed my fur during this process or passed through the space where there was once breasts or a package, I couldn’t help but shiver. Tension at the back of my neck would build then release, traveling down my spine in waves, following the curve of my body down to the very tip of my tail. Each night I had to remind myself that I needed to be patient before exploring my new body in depth, that I was one day closer to complete recovery.

I think that it really hit me how different I looked, when I started feeling well enough to take walks again. Winters were mild along the coast, but none of my shirts or sweatpants fit well enough to wear out of the house anymore. The shirts’ hems tripped me up, dangling at my knees like I was borrowing them from a larger critter and each pair of pants had an uncomfortably spacious groin that made my legs rub. Suddenly getting an idea, I dug around in the closet, retrieving a couple old outfits I had always been too nervous to wear. Most of them had been tailored to fit my old… proportions… but I hadn’t gotten around to getting these few altered yet. For this one, the slacks weren’t quite right, and the jacket was a bit too formal, but I barely even noticed that as I threw on the suit. None of it mattered because I was going clothes shopping! As thoughts of dresses and shorts and blouses and button-ups danced through my head, I practically ran to the local clothes store!

As spring came, I began to grow restless inside my current apartment. I knew that I couldn’t hear the tides this far inland but the back of my mind felt them calling to me with each day as the roar of the ocean filled my thoughts. At first it was just an idle activity, checking out views of the ocean from various streets, but then I started to search for new listings out of curiosity and one day I found myself being led into a waterfront house, already fairly certain that this was the one. The white of bandages could barely be seen poking out around the fabric of a purple form-fitting spaghetti top and some flame-patterned swim trunks below. Standing on a balcony overlooking the sea, I could feel the waves crash all around and fill the air with sea mist. In a trance, I didn’t feel my claws dig into the wood railings as I stared into the blue expanse, close enough to jump in right then and there. I swear that I could hear the waters calling my name, but already a few drops of stinging seawater were sneaking beneath my bandages. It took all I had to whisper “Soon” and turn back to the realtor to finish our conversation.

The night before the beaches opened for the summer, I stripped the bandages away for the last time and excitedly set out my outfit for the following day. A speedo for swimming, a sundress for walking around in and nothing more. I hardly slept that night, I couldn’t keep my paws from running across the scars on my body over and over, feeling for the thin lines of scar tissue hidden seamlessly beneath my fur. First visitor to arrive at the beach barely past dawn, I ran past the lifeguard with towel and dress-hem streaming behind me like banners as I quickly spread the towel and dropped a cooler full of salmon sandwiches atop it. In a moment more, the dress is stashed beneath the towel as well and I dive into the surf!

An arrow finally let loose, my body shoots through the waves, easily cutting through the water and leaving a trail of bubbles behind! Once I get a bit further from the shore, I spot a rock near some familiar coral formations and stash the speedo there, finally feeling at one with the waters all around me. After a few jubilant underwater twirls and tricks, my eyes lock onto a bright orange tropical fish. Smoothly pulling myself into motion, I take chase as it tries to flee from my paws, but still I’m faster! Releasing the poor thing just after I grab hold of it, I let out a column of bubbling laughter as I float to the surface, smoothly breaking the surface to grab a breath before diving back down, not even leaving a ripple behind to mark my departure.